The Placeholder Salutes – I’ve Been To A MARVELOUS PARTY!

Word Count – 330
 
Alright store owners, you can all stop now. The sport of retail naming has officially reached its zenith.
 

 

Glory, I tell you. God damn glory.

I personally can’t think of any better way to name your business than a six word sentence describing in the first person past tense what service it provided once. Top that off with an all-caps closer and a completely unsuperfluous exclamation point, and you’ve just hammered the last nail in the coffin of any and all of your customers’ reservations. All that is left to do after such a brilliant marketing move is wait for the doors to burst open and welcome the rushing hoards of customers crying and violently throwing money at your head.

I hope and pray that other business take note of IBTAMP’s innovation and quickly follow suit, making all of our shopping excursions just as refined and uncumbersome. Might I suggest…

I’ve received a STYLISH HAIRCUT!

I’ve seen many ADORABLE ANIMALS!

I’ve eaten a SPECTACULAR MUFFIN!

I’ve fished with SUPERIOR BAIT!

I’ve had my teeth PROFESSIONALLY CLEANED!

I’ve purchased QUALITY PORNOGRAPHY!

I’ve experienced a THOROUGH DOUCHING!

Can’t you just hear the jaunty and debonair voices of a Noel Coward or a Frasier Crane reverberating in your head as you say those names? I know I do, and I’m sure that is exactly what these fine banquet accoutrement proprietors intended with their moniker.

Our pointy elastic chin-strapped hats are off to you, good sirs. Climb The Highest Mountain, And Punch The Face Of God.

When in Chicago, be sure to visit them for all your marvellous party needs. They’ve all been to at least one, or else they would not have gotten jobs there. A special thank you also goes out to yellowcardigan on twitter for bringing this to my attention. If we ever party together, now that I am aware of your connections, I expect at the very least for it to be somewhat astounding.

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