Word Count – 400
Please contact me to let me know more about your life.
I’m serious. If this description sounds like you, please e-mail me so we can arrange a meeting to discus exactly what the hell is going on with you. People are starting to think I made you up.
I do not wish to insult you, sir. I am sure in all other respects you are a perfectly nice gentleman, and I truly wish you all the best in all your endeavours. But you have to be aware that you are quite possibly the most cartoonishly ugly person in the world. I honestly can’t say enough about it, but I digress, as I’m sure you are aware of this fact yourself.
Even as I walked the street with sunglasses on, which usually give me the freedom to stare at things without people noticing, I still craned my neck to gawk at you as we crossed paths. I even paused my Ipod, because for some reason I thought I needed all my senses to take in your appearance. I suppose part of my brain thought I would be able to ‘hear’ your ugliness.
Since I’m sure you really don’t need a reminder of all the horrible things wrong with your face, I won’t go into explicit detail about what it was about you that shocked me to my very core. However, I must ask you a question about your nose. It appeared to be bent in no less than four places, and looked as though it was an inch away from your chin. It almost looked like it had knuckles, though I am aware that would be impossible. However, in the unlikely yet staggeringly awesome event that your nose DOES indeed have knuckles, PLEASE contact me to let me know more about it. Can you crack it? Its it like an opposable thumb, or can it only bend up and down? Can you pick your nose… WITH your nose?
As you can see, I have many, many questions, and I fear that if they go unanswered for too long that people will assume I’m lying about you. We need to have a sit down, which I will document and post online, so that I can prove to everyone I know that you were not a figment of my imagination. I look forward to awkwardly staring at you again soon.
– J.D. Renaud