Dear South African Man Who Showed My Friends And I His Dick In Line For The Mud Slide At Mud Fest 2009

Word Count – 380

For the record, we never had any doubt that you were not “an Oriental”. Your thick accent and dark complexion were enough to sway our inquisitive minds to broach the subject of “This very drunk man swaying in front of us, what do you think is his country of origin?”

I don’t know where you came from that cloudy day, or why you started talking to my friend. All I remember was I was in line, looking aloft with my inflatable whale, when my friend started shouting at you. I looked over and saw that you were looking down for some reason. Following your eyesight, I was treated to the sight of a shrivelled, mud soaked dick and ball sack. As I turned away to laugh hysterically, you insisted that this was evidence that you were, in fact, not “of the Orient.”

I’m glad you are so comfortable with you heritage that you embrace it publicly, but you embraced it in line for an inflatable slide with a parade of strangers parading slowly behind you.

Being a naturally positive person, I guess I have to thank you for finding a way to quickly evidence your point without dragging me through the exhaustive and irrelevant game of guessing game your ethnicity, which would truly have been a bore. I also feel like I should thank you for not throwing up on my back after you butted into line behind me. While I’m thinking about it, I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the women behind you, who noticed how inebriated you were at four o’clock in the goddamn afternoon and took pity on me, making sure to shout whenever you teetered forward slightly, looking like you were ready to expel chunks of fish onto my back from your fine fat belly.

Truly, you reminded me that we are of one world and one peoples and our differences are not many. We remain divided only into tribes of the meek and tribes of the brave, with a final division being those brave enough to get drunk and put their genitals on parade for a float full of school children.

– Timothy Legion

PS – We only thought about shoving you into the Police Pony once. I hope you’ll forgive us. We are only human.

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