Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope and the Winter of Discord

Word Count – 900

Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope stood stationary on the bridge, his tongue frozen to the steel railing overlooking the river. He brushed the snow from the top of his Crime Solving hat, a white bicycle helmet clipped beneath his nine year old chin, which dropped flaky snow onto his face. He grubbily brushed as much of the snow from his face as possible only to have it drift down his body, rub his bare legs and pile in the sweatpants around his ankles and out of his reach. He went over the events of the Mystery that lead him to be stuck in his Elaborate Death Trap, waiting for embarrassing rescue by one of the many cars that drove past, honking.

The day before, at lunchtime, he had made quite the splash in the cafeteria as he showed the most recent addition to his Crime Solving/Mystery Busting Kit, a small mobile phone that could call his mother in emergencies, to his grade school colleagues. He assured them that the pink was the only colour they had left at the store. Susan, a red-haired girl with pig-tails in the fifth grade sat next to Elli, he presumed mesmerized by his aptness and capabilities as a detective. She stared at his mobile and crossed her legs like a practiced woman twice her age.

“Elli, right?” she asked gingerly. The Cunning Boy Detective knew the score. A dame with a case to be settled. A mystery to be solved by the competent and frugal Detective. She leaned forward, catching his reflection of the cell phone. “Have you ever kissed a girl?”

Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope was taken aback by the offer, but retained his poise as the other boys around the table made cooing sounds. “Why no, Madam. I have never had the pleasure of being tooled by a dame.”

“What?” Susan rubbed her nose her with open palm. “Do you want to or not?”

Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope nodded vigorously.

“Good boy, meet me tomorrow by Veteran’s Bridge and we’ll get to the bottom of things.” Susan got up and smiled, flashing her braces. “Bring your pretty little toy.”

The next day, Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope stood on the Veteran’s bridge, leaning against the steel handrail. He ran out of twigs and stick to throw at the frozen river and was bored of seeing snowballs crumple on the ice. A light snow drifted from the grey sky when Susan approached. He saw her approaching and did his best to look inconspicuous and bored by looking directly at her, his eyes wide in terror.

Susan stopped in front of Elli, wearing her elegant, adult style blouse and skirt with thermal tights, sweater and pea coat. She wore a beret, which she explained was a hat from France, a country that Elli had once coloured sea blue on a map. Susan, hair red as the fires of heck, spoke softly to Elli.

“Are you ready to solve the case?” she asked. Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope played it cool by nodding furiously. She instructed Elli to lean forward, close his eyes, purse his lips and stick out his tongue. Elli complied, opening his mouth and sticking his tongue out as far as it could go. Susan nimbly caressed his face with her mittens and then violently shoved his face onto the steel railing. Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope squealed and tried to pull his face from the railing, but his tongue froze immediately. He was stuck.

He began shouting and cursing as cruelly as he was aware possible. “Cootie eater!” He swore. “Smelly butt!” It was as harsh as the Cunning Boy Detective had ever been.

“I would never kiss someone as ugly as you.” Susan retorted, coldly. She strutted around Elli Pope’s swinging arms. She reached into his pocket, retrieved the mobile phone and smacked him with her mittens. She turned and began to walk away from the Cunning Boy Detective, but abruptly returned to him. Elli Pope was momentarily jubilant that she was not as cruel as he had imagined, and would certainly help free him from this Elaborate Death Trap.

“This is so you’ll remember me.” Susan, yanking his sweats and underwear down to his ankles and skipping home.

Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope, tongue stuck to the rail, unable to reach his pants, mooned the occasionally passing cars. As fate had it, Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope’s partner, Mother, drove past the bridge, stopped and rescued Elli Pope from the Elaborate Death Trap that Susan had left him in. She scolded him, wrapped him in blankets and made him sit in the back seat next to the groceries. Mother informed Elli that she would get his stolen mobile back, but would not return it to him until he showed some bloody responsibility.

And so Cunning Boy Detective Elli Pope, wrapped in blankets and lisping heavily, thought to his first foray into the combination of Love and Mystery and came to the necessary conclusion. Dames are no good for business, he thought. And Susan, like all dames, was a total smelly butt.

——

Tune in next time as Elli Pope is captured by Doctor NOOOOOIDON’TWANTTOGO and is tortured to decipher his Secret Allergy Weaknesses.

© Timothy Legion, 2009

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