Dear Entire Internet and News Media of the World

Word Count – 500
Okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?

Please tell me. I’m scared. Something is up, and I have a right to know about it.

Today is Thursday October 15th. I woke up this morning to nothing but news about some kid named Falcon in a weather balloon that may or may not be dead at the time of this writing. It is a story that sounds like an amalgamation of Flight of the Navigator, Radio Flyer, and countless other shitty family friendly movies from twenty years ago. Its all very exciting and adorable, but I sense that there is a sinister motive behind this story and its coverage.

What the fuck is going on in the world right now? I mean it, tell me. There is absolutely no coverage of anything else happening in the world right now whatsoever. Twitter is practically deadlocked with updates on this fucking kid. My facebook friends are engaged in a bitter war between people who like six year olds and people who don’t.

My assumption is also that “#twitterrules” because of the top notch reporting on this kid that goes on there, and that Halloween is trending because everyone is trying to call dibs on going as this little fucker this year. Oh, you may mock me, but mark my words, you will see just as many guys in footy pajamas wrapped in deflated weather balloons this year as you saw guys in shitty joker makeup last year.
 
What is really happening right now? This has to be a smoke screen for some other event that is really just about to bite us in the ass. Did we bomb Iran? Are the nukes coming across the ocean from North Korea? Has the zombie invasion begun? Did Obama kill and eat his entire family in a fit of blind drunken rage? One of those has to be the case, because THIS SERIOUSLY CAN’T BE THE NEWS! Something much worse than this has to actually be going on, and it is your responsibility to tell us! I need to know if I should be stockpiling weapons or killing myself to avoid being kidnapped by motorcycle marauders.

Maybe I am over reacting, but something is clearly a miss here. I’m not doubting for a second that we are all fucked, but the more likely situation is you are just covering up something really disastrous in the hopes that we won’t notice fast enough to panic before we’re all dead. My guess is that NASA is actually blew up the moon last night, and that you hope we don’t notice tonight when the sky is black and all the water on earth floats up into space. And if people ask any questions, it will quickly be drowned out by tomorrows headline, “Basket of Adorable Kittens Floats Down River”.

The end of humanity is the burden you shall carry on your shoulders for eternity, newsmakers. I’m going to go say goodbye to my loved ones now.

I’ll see you in hell ‘Falcon’. If that is your real name.

– J.D. Renaud

 

 **Update** – Apparently ‘Falcon’ is alive and well. That is, of course, if you believe he was actually real in the first place.

**Update 2** – Thank you once again internet for jumping on the quickest, easiest joke you could think of involving someone hiding in their attic…

 

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One response to “Dear Entire Internet and News Media of the World

  1. What’s strange is that none of us realized the balloon wasn’t big enuf to carry kid. But MAN this is news. Emotional stuff not surpassed since Jessica fell in the well (google it). The world watches balloon and think a child is inside facing death!?

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