Please tell me. I’m scared. Something is up, and I have a right to know about it.
Today is Thursday October 15th. I woke up this morning to nothing but news about some kid named Falcon in a weather balloon that may or may not be dead at the time of this writing. It is a story that sounds like an amalgamation of Flight of the Navigator, Radio Flyer, and countless other shitty family friendly movies from twenty years ago. Its all very exciting and adorable, but I sense that there is a sinister motive behind this story and its coverage.
What the fuck is going on in the world right now? I mean it, tell me. There is absolutely no coverage of anything else happening in the world right now whatsoever. Twitter is practically deadlocked with updates on this fucking kid. My facebook friends are engaged in a bitter war between people who like six year olds and people who don’t.
Maybe I am over reacting, but something is clearly a miss here. I’m not doubting for a second that we are all fucked, but the more likely situation is you are just covering up something really disastrous in the hopes that we won’t notice fast enough to panic before we’re all dead. My guess is that NASA is actually blew up the moon last night, and that you hope we don’t notice tonight when the sky is black and all the water on earth floats up into space. And if people ask any questions, it will quickly be drowned out by tomorrows headline, “Basket of Adorable Kittens Floats Down River”.
The end of humanity is the burden you shall carry on your shoulders for eternity, newsmakers. I’m going to go say goodbye to my loved ones now.
I’ll see you in hell ‘Falcon’. If that is your real name.
– J.D. Renaud
**Update** – Apparently ‘Falcon’ is alive and well. That is, of course, if you believe he was actually real in the first place.
**Update 2** – Thank you once again internet for jumping on the quickest, easiest joke you could think of involving someone hiding in their attic…