Word Count – 800
Dear The Placeholder
I have a friend who keeps trying to set me up with men. This wouldn’t be a problem if she didn’t keep trying to set me up with all of her uglier friends. She shows me their pictures and I don’t know how to say: “Never.” What should I do?
MILDRED! Who the hell are you and why did you send us this? We never requested e-mails of any sort, and the last thing we ever planned to be was an advice column. We never proclaimed to be anything besides good looking revolutionaries with absolutely no personal troubles of our own. But our incredible lack of personal problems stems entirely from our shared lack of shame, decency and some days, hygiene. We need help more than you, MILDRED! Someone to tame our wild, animal spirits. Someone to coax us like grizzlies out of the wild and teach us to stand on those rubber balls, wear the appropriate party hats, and drive the audience wild. Only then will we have all the ladies begging us to eat out of their hands, which they will dangerously place between the bars of our cage.
But since you’re so desperate, we will use omniscience and excellent social skills to aid you. Skills so sharp they will cut to the bone of everyone around you, and guarantee you a safe distance and absolutely no intimate interactions.
STEP ONE – FUCK YOUR FRIEND!
Not literally. Unless she’s attractive. Then you’d be dumb not to.
Your friend is placing her list of fuglies in front of you not because she sees a good match between you two, but because she sees you as a little desperate and lonely and probably not that great looking yourself. And how DARE SHE THINK THAT, MILDRED! You’re a beautiful and unique snowflake. Prove it to her by slashing her tires and scratching SNOWFLAKE it into her front door with your keys. Don’t you ever let her disrespect you like that again.
STEP TWO – REVENGE!
“But… REVENGE!?” You’ll say. “I don’t think it’s necessary to get revenge on my friend for trying to set me up, even if her taste for me isn’t very good.”
Well FUCK YOU, MILDRED! This is how we’d do it! Think you’re better than us? HUH! DO YOU? Then why are you writing to strangers for advice if all of a sudden you’re going to drop scruples like a boy’s testicles at 14. Now pay attention, because this part is tricky.
First, MILDRED! you go on that date. Even if the sheer sight of him makes you skin crawl, you go on That Date. Even if he discusses his miniatures and why Donnie Darko is the greatest film ever made, you go on That Date. Even if he doesn’t have teeth and there is a visible stink cloud orbiting around him, you go on That Date. The both of you sit down, have a nice meal, chit chat about work, movies , television, anything. After spending a few hours looking that ugly son of a bitch in the eye, you go see your friend and tell them, as sincerely as possible, “It was really awkward. All he talked about was how interested he was in you.”
STEP THREE – REVEL!
“But,” she’ll say, “I’m not interested/I have a boyfriend/I’m married.” You must then hammer it home by imitating him, making sure to mimic his sub-human voice and strange breathing pattern, that “He’d do anything to make you happy.”
The mere thought of Piggy McMantits dreaming of rubbing his coarse skin over hers, pressing his clammy, naked body next to her terrified, fully clothed body and whispering sweet, honey-like secrets into her ears will cause her skin to crawl visibly.
Spread the word, gossip style. Make everyone aware of this unholy union. Like the strange SNOWFLAKE message scratched into her front door, she won’t easily forget this infatuation.
Print stationary with his name on it and poorly forge love notes to her. Get her office address and send her flowers from him. Send her rhyming couplets about cultures long dead that worshipped woodland sex or the drinking of each other’s fluids. (Bonus points if you can get a singing telegram that centers around cannibalism – it’s a dying market, you could find a few desperate ones).
You show her what his love very well could have been. Make sure she can’t get away from it. Saturate her every moment with a reminder of the life she tried to trick you into. And then sleep with her boyfriend/best friend/ex/dad.
Or, if you’re in the tri-city area, look us up here at The Placeholder. We can turn a phrase for a buck and really know how to make a lady happy. Obviously. We also have many connections in the dating scene, and know where to find some 18 YO sluts in YOUR area who LOVE to FUCK.
– The Placeholder
PS – We love you. Never write us again.