Category Archives: Shameless Self Promotion

Dear Wondering Faithfuls

Word Count: 810

My, how you little kings and queens have been patient. I am, of course, speaking to you as if you really exist. Delusional, I’m aware, but please let me have this, it is kind of the point of this whole enterprise in the first place.

I’ve been so busy doing stand up that I have not had the free time to pay more attention to this little corner of the web I’ve dug out for myself. The balance of both used to be better maintained, due to the irregularity of my chances for stage time. I now get to perform about three or four times a week, and with the rise of one self fulfilling prophecy comes the decline of another. Getting better at it has been priority number one, but the glass ceiling of the world of stand up is very visible to someone in my position. I have every intention to penetrate it with extreme prejudice, but I’ll only be able to shatter through it if I have experience running head first into other seemingly impenetrable surfaces and surviving.

Hence why I’m back.

The Placeholder is still my ‘brand’, if you must call it that. I like to think of it more as the thesis statement for the whole shit-storm of stuff I have made and/or plan to make in the near future. Oh, the near future. So near, it barely seems like the future at all.

The need for The Placeholder in my life is nothing I really feel like having to justify or explain too much anymore, as you’ve probably deduced. I used to, but I’ve learned that there’s no point to that, really. It exists because it has to, and it is what it needs to be. In the past few months it has not needed to be very much, apparently, but that does not mean it has gone anywhere far from my thoughts. All healthy relationships see the couples take some time apart so they can come back together with some interesting stories to share. If they don’t, it always ends the same way. One day the wife just snaps and bashes her husbands head in with the toaster oven. Since I need my toaster oven, a little break was best for both of us.

I produced two shows under the banner of The Placeholder Show in late February and early March. They debuted to minimal crowds and critical obscurity. There have been requests for more by the curious and masochistic, and it will indeed return soon, if only to continue the masturbatory practice of standing on a stage of my own design. Too much fun, I must say. All those who helped me in those shows are saints, or at least as close to saints as bat-shit crazy heathens can be. A sincere thank you to all those who contributed to making it what it was, and who expressed hope in what it could eventually be. You have all been added to the “do resuscitate” list.

POSTER.jpg Poster for the first show picture by ThePlaceholder  POSTER2.jpg picture by ThePlaceholder

Some new videos are on the way. Articles are in the works. New features and salutes are being devised as we speak. A real site and a non-wordpress url is still the ideal goal for the summer. Promises, promises. I’m sure I wouldn’t believe me either at this point, but trust me, all that is coming soon.

Tim is still in Korea. He’ll be in school in Toronto soon, sharpening the knives. He’s been sending me postcards. Most of them disgusting. Some of them nonsensical. All of them gorgeous.

I’m doing alright. I need some dental work done. Undersexed, most likely. I was told I smell by my new employer, and I can’t argue with facts. People are looking at what I’m doing and telling me they like what they see. Not sure if that is just in comparison to what they have seen from me before, so I’m taking it at face value. I find I don’t make eye contact with people very much, and when I do I get the sense that people think I am trying to steal their souls somehow. I do very little to dissuade this belief, I must confess. I’ve also been listening to a lot of Cardiacs lately. For better or worse, that’s where my universe is at right now.

You deserve content, not excuses. This is neither, though I guess it could be confused as both. In order to survive, I know I must be willing to subject myself to elements that could irreversibly damage or mutate my DNA. I am entitled to no better, and you came here for nothing less.

Again, this is assuming you are real. At least I’ve got my wits about me enough to know I’m screaming non-sense into a void, waiting for the black hole to heckle me back.

Oh well, fuck it. Go on singing. Enjoy the show.

– J.D. Renaud

Winnipeg Writes a Letter to Conan O’Brien

As some of you may be aware, late night troubadour Conan O’Brien has been getting handed the shitty end of many sticks lately. In solidarity, the cast and audience of Comedy Loser, one of my favourite regular shows in the city, banded together to write him a letter.

You know the old saying about how if you put a thousand monkeys in a room with a thousand typewriters that eventually they will write Shakespeare? Well, I think this video is a shining example of that theory being put to the test. Regardless, it’s from the heart, and proof that all of Winnipeg stands behind our beloved CoCo. 

Ryan McMahon hosted it. I taped it. A crowd of over 120 is responsible for it.

Go Team Conan.

The Picture Radio – Zombie Walk, Slow Clap

Word Count – 150

Well folks, I am happy to report that stand up comedy in Winnipeg is alive and well. I knew all of you were losing a lot of sleep over that, but rest assured, the young men and women of this city with severe issues that have chosen to air their grievances publicly are, as always, in top form.

Thanks to the lovely John B Duff, many of us have found a happy home at the Cavern Open Mic, which is quickly becoming my favourite venue in the city. A regular weekly gig is incredibly helpful for all of us, and its a great place to roll the dice and try out some new stuff. (re: an exponentially increased chance of failure and crying)

In that spirit, please enjoy the following clip from last night, where I discuss the zombie walk phenomina, and the glory and wonder that is the slow clap.

View in HQ here.

PS – I am deadly serious about organizing the run-arounds. In the spring when the weather is nicer, I’ll see if I can get something together. I have very high hopes for that.

Shameless Self Promotion – Horrible Secret Giveaway

Word Count – 300

Evening, all.

Well, tonight is a pretty exciting night for me, folks. I’m going to be doing a set tonight at the Standard Tavern in Winnipeg at 8:30. I mentioned this earlier, but this is a friendly reminder to get your ass to the show and make me respect you.

As an added bonus, I have decided to run a little contest. To any of you who actually read this site, tonight I am offering a very special, once in a life time opportunity to hear some of the most horrible secrets I have been keeping to myself for years. I am not kidding. Anyone who comes up to me tonight at the Standard Tavern, between 8pm and 11pm, mentions this post and asks me any of the following questions will recieve the 100% true answer without hesitation.

This is shit that I have been playing really close to the vest for a number of years, and since I can offer no monetary rewards to get people to come to this show, this is the best I have to offer.

 This contest is only running tonight, after which I will never reveal the answers to these questions to anyone ever again. The offer extends to one person at a time only, and you may only choose one.

– The actual date, time, and place of where I lost my virginity.

– The location of one of my close relatives sizable drug stash.

– The people I have known in my life who have had abortions.

– The location and duration of my first and only homosexual experience.

– The story of the most sacrilegious place I’ve masturbated.

– What I did in the movie theatre durring a screening of the film Tomcats that nearly got me banned from said theatre for life.

– The names of no less than 5 of the historic buildings in Canada I have urinated on.

– My actual name.

See you tonight. To those I don’t see, enjoy your continued ignorance.

– “J.D. Renaud”

Shameless Self Promotion – J.D. Renaud at The Standard Tavern

Word Count – 200

What’s that? TWO posts in one day? My word, that IS unheard of!

Excuse me? Pardon? There was nothing posted last Friday? Posting two things today does not make us exceptional, but merely is an act of penance and barely makes us break even?

You people can be dicks sometimes, you know that?

Anyway, this Thursday I’ll be doing some of my joke telling and other assorted microphone antics at The Standard Tavern, as part of The Winnipeg Comedy Blowout, hosted by the lovely Dave Shorr. Tickets are 5 bucks, which is exciting for me, as this is the first time in a long time anyone has ever paid money to see me do anything. Well, except for that guy in high school who paid me ten bucks to mow his lawn, but stared at me through his window the entire time. Seriously, his eyes never left me. He was putting forth more effort staring at me than I was mowing. I was not an attractive teenager, his amusement still puzzles me.

Dave and I made a little video to promote the Blowout, and you can watch that bitch right here. Be sure to come out to the show, I’m planning to unleash the debut of a bit that people have been telling me to do on stage for years. (shhhh! secrets!)

PS – I’m sorry to everyone I promised I would never wear my bandana in public again. Dave is clearly seen wearing my hat (at his insistence), and I did not want the focus of the video to by my giant sweaty bald forehead. Also, Donovan Bailey has a park and a gym named after him, but not a school.  Sadly, nowhere in my home town is there an educational institute that teaches “How to Achieve Greatness Once Then Retire To Run A Sports Injury Therapy Center 101”

Shameless Self Promotion – Vote or Die part 2, One Month In The Can

Word Count – 500

Ahoy, loyal Placeholdarians. It’s J.D. once again, with a few important announcements for you.

First of all, I’d like to give you all a giant, sweaty, uncomfortably long hug for getting the word out and voting for me in the whole stand up contest thing. I gained a lot of ground, and though the race isn’t over, it should make the next few days very nerve racking.

A few people have asked me if they are able to vote for me more than once over the next week to keep my score up, but let me say, I have no idea if YOU ARE INDEED ABLE TO DO THAT. I don’t have a very intense knowledge of how their voting system works, and would not know, if for say, EVERY 24 HOURS THE SYSTEM LETS YOU VOTE FOR PEOPLE AGAIN, or anything. Which, I’ll admit, would be a nice thing to know, considering the fact that I DOUBT THE OTHER CONTESTANTS KNOW ABOUT THIS, and that since THE VOTING IS GOING ON ALL THIS WEEK, it might give me the necessary boost to get into the top 10 and stay there. Still, who knows? It’s not like I STAYED UP REALLY LATE AND FIGURED THIS OUT LAST NIGHT or anything. So, yeah, thanks again for voting, and keep telling your friends and spreading the good vibrations around.

The reason I bring this up is The Placeholder will be experiencing some radio silence for the next week or so, as I am traveling back to Ontario to visit my family, see some concerts, and sell some of the dvds that continue to burn holes in my subconscious mind. I’m reminding you all now, because I won’t be around to bother you in last few days of voting, so I need you all to keep your pants of internet victory on and keep fighting the good fight for me while I’m awol.

Announcement number two is that today marks the end of a mini-milestone at The Placeholder. This site was launched a month ago with only one goal in mind, to post something new, every weekday, for the entire month. I’m happy to report that this goal was fucking met, and though that may not seem like a big deal to most you, for us it is huge. This is the most dependable and long lasting incarnation of The Placeholder that has ever existed on the web, and I assure you that the lovely Tim and I will keep the gravy train rolling in the months to come. Checkpoint number one of making it through the month without killing ourselves was only the first step. The other steps are going to be kept close to the vest, but keep your eyes peeled in october for new articles, videos, and all the other terrifyingly wonderful things you have come to expect from us.

Alright, I’m gone. Don’t worry, I won’t be making a habit of treating this thing like a boring bullshit blog very often. You can relax and resume masturbating now.

– J.D. Renaud

by Mike Monteiro

Shameless Self Promotion – Vote or Die

Word Count – 500

Hey everyone, J.D. here. Listen up, you know I don’t ask you people for much. Well, alright, I do often ask you to take time out of your day to visit the site, read my articles, comment on them, spread the word about the site, and congratulate me in public for my genius and creativity. But shit just got real, folks, and I need your help.

Now, you don’t like me and I don’t like you, but we need to help each other out and get me into the top 10 in this contest…

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/ace/gone-wacky/62325597.html

I am a contestant in the “Winnipeg’s Gone Wacky” stand up competition. As I am sure all of you are aware that I am a) Living in Winnipeg, b) A huge fan of going places, and c) Wacky, I feel it would be a massive disservice to the community, my country, and dare I say, the world as a whole if I do not make it into the final round of this thing.

This is where you come in. I need you to give a 5 star vote for my video in the link below. You will need to register for the winnipeg free press site, but it will only take a minute, I promise. The first wave of internet voting determines who makes it into the finals, so vote early and vote often. Also, spread the love around and send this link to everyone you know, and get them to vote, too. Grand prize for this thing is $1,000, and I’m pretty sure I don’t need to remind any of you what my opinion of large sums of money is. For those in need of a reminder, I am for it.

Voting is only open for the next 5 days, and closes this friday October 2nd. The competition is stiff, so please, look into your heart, deny the justified anger inside of you, forget about all those horrible things I’ve either said and/or done to you, and vote. Remember, it takes a village to… help me win $1,000.

direct link – Vote for “J.D. Renaud – Slurpee Capitol”
http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/ace/gone-wacky/62325597.html

contest main page
http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/ace/gone-wacky/

Thanks again, and wish me luck.

– J.D. Renaud

For more information on what exactly I’m putting myself through, please watch the 1969 film ‘They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?’, and consult your local library on the phenomena of depression era marathon dances.

Marathon Dancing is a dance activity that became popular in the 1920s and 1930s. Many unemployed people competed in the contests in order to achieve fame or win monetary prizes.